I'm like you, I'm an addict. I've used just about anything I could get my hands on that will put some imaginary distance between me and the pain of failure and the fear of life. Substances. behaviors. it's all the same to me...I don't much care for life and anything that will distract me from that (pretty much by definition self destructive things, because there is nothing I'd like more than to deconstruct myself), was good to me.
Both the substances and behaviors were problems, that caused more problems. I'm an addict, doesn't matter what my current drug of choice is, the problem is that I choose ANY drug at all, rather than face life.
When the drugs stopped working and the behaviors only made life scarier and more miserable, I knew it was stop or die. I couldn't stop on my own. I'm in NA now. I'm clean, but clueless, but the people there promise to talk me through this until I get some clues...and even after that, and learn to deal with life.
I am still scared as crap of life, but I am not facing it alone, and I am not facing it sh*tfaced on any DOC either, I've got a fighting chance.
Yesterday was an f'in horrible day, one of those where I'd usually say "F-it" and go do what I used to go do. They talked me through it. I woke up clear headed this morning, not happy with life and the powers that be, but not p*ssed at myself like I would be had I used.
It may be a small improvement, but it's an improvement.
Today looks like it might be less horrible. When I was using, that was one thing I could count on, that each day would pretty much suck as much as the previous one.
Anyway...if you want to get off the crazy train, you can.