OneVoice

I'm new to on-line support, and I've only got a few weeks of clean time.

In the past, I've managed to have 2 years and another time 10 years, but I allowed health issues to confuse me.

Like so many, I experience Hep C and before, as my energy weaned, I placed my recovery too low on my list of priorities and ended up using again.

I've been out for almost 10 years, and although having worked the steps in the past may have saved my life, it couldn't prevent me from breaking my heart in the throws of addiction.

My spiritual discipline was good, but I quit going to meetings, quit calling my clean and sober friends and I eneded up so alone and confused that after praying about it for 7 days, I went out with pot... thenI ended up back on opiates.

It's been a nightmare trying to get clean this time, in fact, I'm still on a prescribed medication I'd like to get off of as quickly as possible. But I can't without medical help, as I pushed the envelope too far this time and going cold turkey could be fatal.

I'm looking for a sponser in N.A. In the past, I used AA, but I'm not an alcoholic. It's time I get with my people...let's face it, an alcoholic only has to go to the store to cop. I'm just a bit too preditory in AA meetings to use those as my only means of support.

I know alcoholics are just as sick, just as tough and their stories are just as severe, and I plan to attend meetings there as a visitor when NA isn't available.

But when I was in pain, they simply didn't understand that part of my real physical pain was steeped in my addiction and that instead of staying home and resting, I needed to be among the addicts...even if it meant bringing a blanket and laying on the floor.

It's not easy for me to be humble, to listen to someone with less knowledge than I have, but I know because my knowledge in so embroiled in self-will it almost useless. I know that I have to follow those who are better armed against the destructive voices of self will.

I pray that I can remember that everything I know is poisoned with my active disease...that every thought I think is designed to take me back out again and that I'm not safe on my own.

Someday I'll be able to pull up past knowledge, and use it to help others as well as myself, but for now I'm back to square one.

Thanks for letting me share and I pray, in some small way, sharing my experience might have value for someone who's lost their way or who's forgotten that the monster named addiction never rests.

OneVoice