keithj

I mean this with all kindness and good intention, Trish. The things I quoted are the things that will kill you.

That attitude of 'I don't think so', 'I'm not comfortable with that', 'I'm not ready for that' works against you. When I got sober, I was willing to do whatever it took to get sober. It didn't matter if I was comfortable with it or not.

When you take things off the table like that, you limit yourself. And I'm not just talking about limiting what resources are available to you. I'm talking about limiting your mind. You've already decided how far and to what extent you are willing to go. A more helpful mindset is 'I don't know what it will take, but I'm willing to do anything'. Sobriety doesn't need to be your #1 priority, it needs to be your only priority.

That attitude of surrender is achieved by not caring what other people think, not caring about their opinions, not caring if you take some flak, not caring if you are comfortable or not. You're going to do what needs to be done.

I'm a fairly staunch traditionalist in AA. I believe, and have stood up for, the idea that there is no way of making an AA member out of an addict. That said, I've got some close addict friends who regularly show up at open AA meetings and identify as addicts. I've never seen them get dissed for doing so. They are accepted and welcomed.

When you say you are not ready for that, it just means that you are not ready to be sober. For god sake's, after what you've been through, is it reasonable to say that there are lengths you aren't willing to go to get and stay sober? It's pretty irrelavent what program of recovery someone is using. That idea that 'I want to be sober IF it doesn't involve this and this' is a killer. It doesn't even matter all that much if you pursue those lengths, just be willing to do so. Be willing to abandon yourself.

My personal example of this is belief in a higher power. I was absolutely not willing to entertain that idea for a long time. I couldn't make that leap, and I really, really didn't want to have to depend on this fantasy (opiate of the masses) BS to get sober. But, when I got beaten down by booze for a few more years, I got willing to be a little open minded. I stopped caring about what I wanted to believe in, and became willing to believe in whatever was necessary.

This is my long-winded way of saying that I know it's tough. It's really tough to let go of long held beliefs and viewpoints and prejudices and judgements. But that willingness to go wherever you have to go can be the key for you. It may be uncomfortable, it may be humbling, it may be painful, but be willing to do it. Whatever it is.

And, I'm kind of excited for you. True recovery is the greatest thing I've ever experienced.