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Do you ever manage to regain that sense of care-free F*ck it mentality and joyous sense of something immenently great anticipation feeling that you used to get when finishing work and just stopping by to get your stash in to get blasted? or planning a seshion with pals to get f*cked up?
I am struggling to come to terms with the loss I am feeling at the moment. That loss being booze/drugs. I know I am wallowing in self-pity but dammit I may as well write it out here as that's what this board is surely about no? I am just feeling a sense of mundaness and boredom and the thought of christmas holidays and New years Eve feeling like I am now is really getting to me.
Sometimes i think it would be easier to just say F*ck it and be like most other people in England and just allow drinking back as an option. I am becoming tired of always living for tomorrow and the thought of no-remorse, hangover, no regrets etcetcetc. I want some "buzz" back in my life. I am struggling to see how I can get it.
My personality is that of one which always wants to make a good experience even more intense/better. I am just feeling a sense of loss in most things I am doing. It feels like I have lost my partner in crime and it's starting to p*ss me off.
I know I am projecting but I f*ckin hate christmas and New years eve as the last few have been a F*ckin nightmare of depression and trying to not binge but not being able to deny myself my right to get blasted.
I know these posts might P*ss people off but tbh I am just writing what I'm feeling. I will be attending my Regular AA meeting tomorrow as per usual but even at these although i get praise heaped upon me by many of the lonstanding members when i share and thus appear to be doing really great I still am feeling like I am missing that wild-side of my personality and at 23 I am torn between killing it off. I know you can say you can still be wild without the booze and drugs but like I said before my personality is that of always trying to increase/prolong/intensify an experience so I always feel a sense of loss of a dear part of me. Anyone relate?
Sorry it's not a bed of roses type post but that wouldn't be true to what I'm feeling so B*llocks to that. I suppose at least I am still sober though that's not even sounding so great to me anymore.
This christmas period and listening to everyone I work with talking about going out partying and drinking and generally being happy really is starting to get to me. I know I am an alcoholic so that ain't the problem but at times when i feel like this at weekends I just think WTF.