Asta, thanks. I think I needed just to get things out, and it was comforting to get your response. It does seem bleak these days...I have thought that people could cheer themselves up, reading about my life, such as it is these days. The black-eye happened Weds, I have no idea how. But I have had the thought of 'losing' that eye, as a way to get medical care, have my teeth fixed...yet who could bring themselves to put out an eye? I could never bring myself to even put in a contact lens, let alone poke an eye out, the whole idea is absurd. Yet I worry, maybe in a drunken state, the idea had come to me. Certainly a good reason not to drink. A glass eye and $100,00 might be livable enough, but so much could go wrong, too. What crazy notions go through my mind these days.
Day three here, not drinking, had a few weeks in before that, and hope to not drink again, it is too unpredictable, I get scared. And the holidays are a real powder keg. I miss giving and getting presents. I feel very much alone, and not a part of much of anything. I tend to cry a lot around Christmas. I had wanted by this time to be somewhat ‘successful’ in something, to have maybe adopted children…not to be a few steps away from homelessness. And yet I have not had practical, marketable interests, and have always had such fear and terror of life, and here I am, all this time has passed. It’s like a dream.
I wish I could wake up, and be 12 again. I would suffer middle school all over again, sell my soul to the devil, kiss Sarah Palin on TV…well, maybe not that, but almost anything.
Now to think of how to explain this black eye at work tomorrow, and again on Monday…I have to think of some story, it won’t do to say I can’t recall, that would no doubt invite suspicion. Maybe I can joke about it: say, “I took up boxing, but wasn’t very good”. Or I got it at Wal-Mart on Black Friday. Any ideas? I hope not to put myself in such positions in the future, but what’s done is done. I suppose maybe it will make me, a small framed person, look a bit rugged or tough, maybe that is an asset of sorts, but not one I wish to have at hand often.