don't know what to do anymore
hi everyone,
i've been reading a lot of these posts over the last few months, and finally decided to join, as i feel so alone in my struggle to understand what is going on with a person i've become involved with, who is (trying) to kick an addiction to opiates. when we met, we hit if off right away as friends and then as time went on, feelings progressed. at this point, we had not crossed the line of friendship. then he told me about his addiction (3 yrs) and that he was about two months into a methadone treatment program and he wanted to tell me earlier, but did not want to lose me or have me judge him. he said he could not start a relationship because he needed to focus on himself and his recovery and any added pressure could cause a relapse. that being said, he wanted to remain close friends with me and that he'd never met anyone like me and i was a positive part of his life. of course, i appreciated his honesty, told him he would not lose me as a friend and that i would continue to be a positive person in his life.
over time, we became even closer friends and then the line got blurred. we started holding hands and kissing and even though i knew it was not supposed to be like that, i somehow deluded myself into thinking it couldn't be that bad to be close like this, but now i find myself slowly going crazy. he pulls me close, then pushes me away every other week, telling me one moment that he could fall in love with me and it scares him that i'll find someone more worthy, then telling me another moment that we are only friends. he keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me and that if we progress to a relationship he will definitely fail at it, and then he will lose me for good. he said if i was still willing to be in his life after he got clean, it would be the greatest blessing of his life. i know he is being sincere and i am grateful for his honesty, but this is killing me. he is a good person with a beautiful heart, and i haven't had the experiences with him that so many people on this forum have had with their loved ones (lying, cheating, stealing), but it's so hard for me to accept this and i don't know why. he has been open and honest and willing to answer any of my questions. the one thing i am afraid to say to him is that i honestly don't believe the methadone clinic is helping and he's just subbing one substance for another and that ultimately, i think he should go to a detox/rehab center. i wanted to perhaps get some opinions on methadone treatment centers?
i have been reading a lot about opiate addiction and methadone, just so i can fully understand what he is going through. i also have discovered that i have some co-dependant tendencies and sometimes my behavior flares up (jumping to conclusions, paranoia, etc). i just have never gone through this with someone before and i feel so lost. i am in love with this man. i just feel like giving up sometimes and i don't know what to do anymore.
sorry this is so long, i am just at the end of my mental rope. thanks for reading and any advice would be greatly appreciated.