BeachAngel littlefish gave some fine answers, I will answer the same questions basically to show that even though there are no rules in AA, there is still consistancy and HOPE!
I really want to stop but at night it gets to me and I have a drink which leads to a complete nightmare of not being able to stop.
BeachAngel alcoholism is a progressive disease, an alcoholics alcoholism gets worse with every single drink they have, it never gets better or levels off, it always gets worse! AA is full of people who can attest to this and the main stream medical community states that alcoholism is a progressive disease, AA, the main stream medical community and almost every other recovery program knows that the only way to stop the progression of alcoholism is TOTAL abstinance.
The last 5 years of my drinking I was at the point where I was beginning physical withdrawals before 1PM every day, I honestly doubt if I drew a sober breath the last 5 years of my drinking.
Every day I say this is the last day but I only get 2-3 days together and then it is as bad as needing food or water. I try to limit myself to only one bottle of wine but always have some in reserves "just in case". The pull is just so hard on those days it is like I CANNOT do anything else. I have got to drink, I will start over another day is what I think.
I can well relate to this, I fought it for many years and just finally said towards the end "Ah to hell with fighting it, I am just going to drink!"
There are some escorts that don't drink, many are into fitness and don't include alcohol in their diets. I don't know how they do it.
One of 3 things probably, either they are not alcoholics, they just do not drink, or possibly they are alcoholics in recovery. Unless one is a wine taster or the like there is not one job in the world I can think of that requires drinking by the person doing the job, some bar tenders do not drink at all.
It is probably just an excuse actually, more men don't drink than those that do.
You know you have made an observation that most of us were incapable of making until we had quit drinking, for many years I thought EVERY ONE drank, when I began to see that all those people I thought were drinking did not drink like I did I began to isolate because I did not want people to know how much I drank or how often.
1) How do others get over the social/work expectation that one should drink? Do you just not go to dinners or social events that people are drinking?
To be honest for the first 3-4 months I totally avoided places where I knew drinking was going to be going on just to be safe. Slowly as I took the steps with my sponsor my obsession to drink was lifted, today I go any where I wish to go as long as there is a reason for me to be there.
I go out to dinner with my wife and freinds and almost all of them have an occasinal drink, it does not bother me nor tempt me in the least, they drink thier drinks and I drink tea or soda. I go to professinal sporting events, I drink coffee, soda or tea, and discovered that most folks that attend do the same thing, the beer line is actually shorter then the soda line! I have gone to wedding receptions with no issues at all!
Now I do not go to keggers or any other party that its primary purpose is to drink and possibly get drunk, why would I? I have no desire at all to drink or get drunk any more.
2) I think I need more help than just willpower. Should I go to AA? I would have to lie in AA about my job because I am not willing to give up my privacy regarding my job. Can I go through the steps and have a sponsor with this huge lie? Should I totally ADMIT everything at an AA meeting?
Going to AA sure will not hurt you at all, I would suggest going to ladies meetings at first just to where you will see that you are NOT ALONE!!!! I can assure you that in time you will discover you are not the first escort or hooker to decide they needed help in staying sober and living a good life.
In AA we do not sit in meetings sharing every little dirty detail of our present life nor our past, we share in a "General Way", here is a quote from the book Alcoholics Anonymous:
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used
to be like, what happened, and what we are like now.
There is no purpose served by someone sharing details, we share enough to where others no in a general way what we are talking about.
Now in going through the steps with a sponsor, well one of the things needed in order to recover is HONESTY!! Not only with our selfs, but with others as well. In selecting a sponsor we look for some one we can trust with our very lifes. Secrets keep many of us drunk, we need to rid our selfs of guilt, shame and resentments, I found that in order for me to hold my head high and be able to look people in the eye I needed to rid myself of ALL my secrets, the bigger the secret I found, the more important it was to get it out!
This does not mean we tell every single person in AA or our lifes our secrets, what it means is that we sit down with some one we trust and let the secret out to them.... secrets lose all thier power over us once they are no longer a secret.
I was in a step study meeting a couple of years ago and we were discussing steps 4 & 5, this one lady who I had known for a while that was happily married and had a young child shared of the freedom she felt when she shared with her sponsor during her step 5 that she had been a hooker for some time simply to allow her to keep drinking the way she wanted to drink, she shared that at that instant she felt the weight of the world lift off of her shoulders, the shame and guilt were gone, the secret was no longer a secret and held no power over her.
Would I share something that personal in a meeting? I doubt it, but I did share some real crap with my sponsor when I did my 5th step, something that had been eating my lunch for 40 years, I experienced the same feelings as that lady.
Oh yea, my will power had served me well my entire life, there was nothing I could not do with sheer will power......... except stopping drinking and staying stopped.
3) I don't like the term "alcoholic" and I don't want to admit that or say I am such. I am a very positive person that goes over my list of goals every day, I am a yoga teacher and I don't believe in labels. Must I say in AA that "My name is ____ and I am an alchoholic" before every statement?
You know for many years I hated being called an alcoholic, because I was still drinking it did not mean "Alcoholic" to me, it meant "DRUNK" which is exactly what I really was when I was drinking, I was a "DRUNK" when I was drinking, not an "Alcoholic"!
You do not have to even mention the word alcoholic in an AA meeting, you can simply say "Hi, I am BeachAngel". I will tell you this, once I quit drinking and was no longer a "DRUNK", I became an "Alcoholic".... a "Recovering Alcoholic"!
There is a joke that I have heard both in AA and from people out side of AA, it goes like this:
Q. Do you know the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
A. An alcoholic goes to meetings!
WHy not call up the AA hotline in your area and ask about some ladies meetings, you can walk in, grab a cup of coffee, sit in the very back, not say a single word, and just listen, listen for things you can relate to.