brokendown100

hope you all can help and shed some clarity.. knowing i am far from having as bad a situation as some of you, i still feel i need some support.

My boyfriend and i have been together just over a year, i knew he enjoyed doing drugs when i met him and i took the risk and went out thinking his habit wouldnt affect me (being a non-drug-taker myself) he knew i was against it but never gave me the change to accept it of him. he lied and he hid the habit from me (or thought i didnt know) to the point where he would leave me for a few hours at a club so he could go off and get his fix. Evenutally i got so tired and so hurt by his deceit that i confronted him and told him i knew what was going on and it was me or the drugs. he said he chose me, yet in his mind i think he thought he needed to be more careful.

a few months past and i couldnt catch him yet i strongly suspected he was still doing. when i tried to talk to him about my suspicious i was met by a very angry defensive attitude denying my allocations and slating my mistrust. One night i was treated very badly, i was ignored and he acted like i didnt exist, eventually i did catch him and i left. i didnt hear from him for about 18 hours when eventually he must've come down and started to feel sick. i went home to break up with him and i found a very sorry person who realised things had gone too far and he would change and stop,

for the last 5 months i have believed him, he really did make an effort and have been much happier and only been suspicious that he was doing again only a few times. when i asked about my suspisions it was a completely calm reassuring no, compared to the angry and defensive denial i used to get. however, this past weekend he got angry with me and we had a fight because he says he wants to do the drug "once in a blue moon" and i cant accept it so if he has to he will lie and hide it from me. since then hes been offish and acted like i have done something wrong because of how i feel about his habit and the betrayal that he is breaking promises he made to me when i was on the brink of leaving him. like he has no regard for how seriously i feel about it or how badly it affects me.

Realising he is who he is and that i cant and have no right to try and control him.. I have agreed to try accept his habit on the grounds that he is open and honest with me about it. what i fear is that now ive agreed to try, will he take advantage and not even consider i am against the habit. I am concerned about the levels his habit could get to (he is far from being an addict at the moment, he has come a long way from the addict he was before we met) I am worried that it will bring lies and deceit into our relationship again, in which case I no longer want to be in the relationship.

i think the reason i am so against something i have never done and dont understand is because it brought lies and deceit into our relationship, he never gave me the chance to try accept the habit. its something when i try and talk about generally he doesnt want to talk about and just gets angry with me as i am wronging him..

It doesn’t have a bad effect on his mood or his temperament when he is doing, he just thinks to hide it from its better I am ignored at the time, which of course hurts me… He is the person i am inlove with and want to spend my life with. He says he feels the same and i believe his feelings except when we have these drug conversations and he seems to be a completely different person. i feel like he doesnt have the care to even talk to me about it. how can i be such a special person or "most precious part of his life" when he cant bring himself to even talk to me. Is it guilt about it or does he really just not care?

i do not want to leave him. I need his support in trying to help me accept the habit and i need help from others when i am finding it hard to deal with..