2. What do I hate about my addiction, what does it do to me (give specific examples)?
List as many of the bad, undesirable results of your addiction as you can. Here it is extremely important that you use specific examples. Specific examples have much greater emotional impact and motivational force!
a. Ask yourself honestly "If my addiction was a used car, would I pay this much for it?"
b. Review this list often, especially if you are having a lot of positive, happy thoughts about all the great things your addiction did for you.
What I hate about my addiction most of all is my complete and utter subservience to it. Since about the age of 14, I've really only ever had one higher power and that was my addiction. All that business in the 1st step, I've never heard my own situation wrapped up so concisely. It may not be the case today but that's not the point.
I hate the person I was during my active addiction. In my answer to the first question I mentioned that booze and drugs made me feel complete and that things were alright. Its almost funny that I couldn't see that chemicals that altered my perception would prevent me from having an accurate perception of myself. I most certainly wasn't complete and things were far from alright. Even though I thought I was addressing my problems, what I was actually doing was hiding from them, stuffing them down and adding to them. Anyone ever see that episode of the Simpsons where Homer recollects his booze-filled exploits the night before? He fancies himself witty, collected and the life of the party. What actually happened was that he made an incredible ass out of himself. I can't tell you how many times I did this. As my addiction progressed I couldn't even recall distorted perceptions of what I did the night before. I'd black-out and only retain flashes of the chaos that I unleashed. I won't lie and say that I didn't enjoy this sometimes. How screwed-up is that? But again, I enjoyed the self destruction for a while. Eventually though, I came to loathe the blackouts. What did I say? Who did I say it to? Why is my nose broken? I don't remember that dent being in my car. Did I really give that homeless woman all the money in my wallet?
Besides the person I became while under the influence, I really hate the person I was between episodes of using. I had a lot of hate. Pot could mellow this out as I mentioned but it became increasingly ineffective. I'd hate someone for very little or for something that they didn't even think, do or say. I let my hate develop into prejudices. I was also lazy. The only enthusiasm I showed was for my love affair with chemicals. I let almost all my responsibilities slide and I couldn't care less about the consequences. Often times, my family took care of them. Speaking of which, I treated my family like garbage. I was mean and inconsiderate. I stole from them. I destroyed their property. What hurts most of all is that I showed them no love, only contempt.
My addiction drove me to the point of suicide. Sometimes I went about this slowly. Other times I was more determined. I'm really grateful that my addiction had me that messed-up that I couldn't even do that right. I drank non-toxic anti-freeze believing it was toxic. I wrecked my car right into a telephone pole doing 50 mph. The cops told me that not wearing a seat belt and being so intoxicated saved my life. Obviously I survived both. I'm happy now but do you know how much of a loser I felt like that I couldn't even get that right.
To feed my addiction and its accompanying lifestyle I sold drugs. I truly hate that I helped to spread the disease. I justified it by not ripping anyone off and in fact really hooking my bags up. I also told myself that it was ok because I wasn't forcing anyone's hand. I take responsibility for my own decisions so I think those people I sold to have to take their own too. It may also be true that if I didn't sell to them someone else would have. That doesn't mean it had to be me. The plain fact of the matter is that I profited from others' pain and suffering. That doesn't feel good. I also put myself and my family in a lot of legal harm's way. Luckily nothing happened as a result of my dealing. Had it continued it surely would have happened and I escaped some really close calls besides.
I hate what my addiction did to my academic and professional careers. I did really well in college. My transcripts are pretty flawless. The thing is that things come to me fairly naturally. I accomplished what I did with minimal effort. Even still, I don't know how I pulled if off. What I didn't do was push myself. I believe that I could have done some special things. I know I could have because I'm doing them now. Nevertheless, I never made the right connections in school. I didn't take on challenging internships. I opted to take courses that I knew I could ace. That left more time for the party. I also worked pretty hard at jobs when I had to. The thing is that I'd take long breaks between employment when dealing got lucrative. So while my track record is good and I'll always get a decent recommendation from past employers, how do I account for all the breaks. I also didn't pursue any jobs that were going to lead to a career. I'd work some manual labor job where I could make some bucks and it didn't matter if I looked like hell when I came in. Its only been recently that I've been able to dig out of this hole and finally get a job where I can make use of my talents and hard-work ethic.
There's other stuff too like how addiction stifled my progression as a musician and writer but the above are the things that really sting. I'd never pay this much for a used car. I'd never pay this much for a brand new one. Nor would I pay this much for anything ever again. I'm learning to be grateful for my life as a whole but I'm never going back to this.
Thanks for reading. I think I'm done for the evening so I'll work on 3 and 4 tomorrow. Again, commentary is appreciated.