For now I'll use this... just so I can finally get something posted. I will keep trying to post a new thread... this is quite frustrated... UGH!
Hello Friends.
The last I was here was to celebrate my 1 year sobriety on Oct 20th.
On Oct 30, I was pregnant and we were going in for our 12 week Ultra sound. As soon as I looked at the screen my world as I knew it came crashing down. Our baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks, right after we heard the heartbeat. Devastation isn't even the word to express how I felt... a complete loss of words really. I was able to get a D&C that very day to remove the baby.
A year of sobriety in my pocket, and yet after this loss the first thing I thought of was I wanted to drink. Somehow, the strength I had for over a year was blinded by my need to mask the pain that i was feeling. It's so sad how quickly the alcoholic brain takes over. I didn't drink right away, though I wanted to... Nov 6 I had my first glass of wine, home with DH watching a movie. I got tipsy... I liked it. All of a sudden I'm thinking... Oh I can do this... I can drink, I'll be fine. From that sip on, all I thought about was when I would drink next. Every day I woke up... am I gonna drink tonight? All the while trying to convince myself, I'm fine... I'm just thinking that way because I hadn't drank in so long. Nov 13 (last Friday) I went out with my DH for some drinks and apps.. had a good time, had 4 glasses of wine, got drunk. Next day woke up, feeling a little hungover... I thought, oh I didn't miss this at all. Later that day, I thought... hmmm are we gonna drink again tonight? We didn't, only because DH wasn't. Sunday, from the time I woke up I knew I was gonna get drunk. I wanted to get drunk... once everyone came over to watch the games I poured myself my first glass of wine. I was in a sad mood... I knew what my number one mission was. I got very drunk... I don't remember anything after 6... DH said I was slurring badly, and I was up in bed by 730 passing out. Monday Nov 16, I woke up at 3am knowing right away that I made a very big mistake, knowing right then and there that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and my mind tricked me because of the sadness I felt after the loss of our baby. I woke up for the day and decided to hop back on that wagon and dedicate my life to being clean and sober again!
What am I gonna do differently this time? I have decided to go to AA... which I did not do the last time... SR was my #1 help. I know I need more this time. I have a friend that I am going with to my first meeting this weekend. I'm really looking forward to it.
We found out the baby had 1-5 chance of having Trisomy, which is a type of down syndrome. It was a blessing in disguise... I understand that everything happens for a reason. I'm slowly healing... day by day it gets easier to cope with the loss.
Thanks for letting me share!!
Shannon