I feel so beat down. And not by my own self pity. Just defeated. There is no way but up from here. As low as I have been so many times. None of it seems to compare to this time. Before I lost unimportant things. And I really didnt vare then.
This time I lost alot inside me. I lost my dignity and integrity. And not by my own doing. Just by circumstance. I lost that dedication I had for a good few months. I just lost alot that was hard as hell to change inside of myself.
I didnt lose it but I did. Hard to explain.
I am finally ready to do whatever it takes to get this right.
I cant be worrying about cars and money and jobs now.
I need to get myself right first. And do it the right way. Not half assed. Not my way. I need to stop holding back and just let it all go and start completely over.
I am going to have to be very patient and rmemeber to be so grateful for every chance that I have had. Cause it sure could have ended so much worse so many times.
My dad saw my van and told me that could have been me and not the tires. No kidding.
I have been to every bottom I can stand. I cant take anymore.
I am going to lose my family if I dont get it together.
That is my worst fear.
I have stayed so close to SR and my baby cousins the past couple days it isnt even funny. That little 2 and half yr old baby has helped me so much this past 2 days. I have hugged her all day and just been stuck like glue to her and her brother.
I need that right now. Its sad that I need to depend on children to help keep my mind in percpective. But I do. They keep me wanting to try.
They make me see that I dont want to lose them. I dont want to lose my family. I dont want to be alone in hell. I want to get better.
I cant cry anymore.
I am just done.