This is so much harder so much more serious then I thought. My first-last drink was Oct 28th. My last-last drink was Nov 15th. Days before that date I thought I "got it". It all seemed to make sense, I was feeling really good, I thought I was following directions, reading the books, going to meetings, kinda picking up the phone. I had no computer so the advice from SR was eliminated...but I had AA.
On Nov 14th I had a long awaited college reunion with 4 girlfriends. I asked fellow AAers advice. I was warned and gently told not to go, "I wouldn't have done it" that early in sobriety came out of everyones mouths. I wasn't willing to back out. I was looking forward to this trip for to long. The plans had been made months before my drinking stopped. These were friends I hadn't seen in 15 years. I felt an urgency to go...so I did. I packed my books, every single phone number I had, called the local AA in the area I was visiting and found meetings, brought pictures of my kids, roomed with the pregnant friend...I was ready. My ever nagging voice which had backed off started up the day before... "no one will know", you deserve this", "you will have so much more fun". When the voices started I made phone calls right up until the moment I left. I drove there feeling anxious but ready to fight the good fight in my own head. I met my friends which was slightly awkward after 15 years but there was a feeling of excitment and anticipation in the room. We decided to go for lunch. It was time...I knew the moment was coming I was mentally preparing myself for when the waitress came to the table..."I can do this!" I told myself. As the waitress approach I heard my two friends say they were having a gin and tonic, "great... good for you" I thought. The waitress came over and looked at me first. My mouth opened and the words pinot grigio immediately came out. Not even a second thought. Wow! That was it? I felt relief because now my friends wouldn't feel uncomfortable because I wasn't drinking. This is what my head told me. The waitress came back, set my drink down and I hesitated for 1.5 seconds and then eagerly satisfied that evil craving. It felt good. I ordered one more because my friends did and of course I really wanted it...needed it. Later on as we were getting ready I waited for my one friend to have a glass of wine...I had two, no one was paying attention, she didn't finish hers and we left for dinner. At dinner I drank exactly the same amount as everyone else, drank a little more wine back at the room and the night was over. I wasn't drunk I would have had more if anyone else did but they didn't, they were satisfied...so I pretended to be too.
I slept late the next morning and woke up feeling exhausted, guilty and sad. They were right, I shouldn't have come. I shouldn't have put myself in that position, I should have listened. Not going back to AA was never an option I really enjoyed it. I felt so happy and free for that one week I was a sober alcoholic. I wanted to feel that again.
I went to AA that Monday morning and just listened. Tried to really listen instead of thinking while people were talking. This in itself is hard for me. My brain never shuts up. I cried to a few women afterwards while ratting myself out. I felt so sad and so so so guilty. Today I went to another meeting and sat and listened. I just need to listen and stop thinking. I even got the nerve to ask someone to be my sponsor and it may work out (her daughter is having a baby so will be away for a period of time). I thought I was powerless over alcohol but now I know it. I saw it with my own eyes. There was no fight for me when that waitress came over...I didn't stand a chance.
I am happy to be back but so nervous about other situations like the one I had this past weekend. I cannot at this point avoid temptation...if it is there i will most likely drink it. As they say "when opportunity knocks...answer it" At this point I will answer any knock. I know that now. I want to be able to say I am past the drinking urges and last week I was, when I was home with no alcohol. Being a sober alcoholic is really hard but being a sober social alcoholic is something I have no idea how to do, for me it is impossible. I hope to get that gift someday I know other AA members say I will. Until then I will avoid any situation that includes alcohol especially if the majority of the people are drinking. I am not ready, I can't do it and I have so much to learn.
Thanks for reading and I am so glad to be back online and in touch with SR
Jo