Aysha

I think its not so much that they had a huge awakening and all turned roses. I think..and I see this in my father. He struggles alot. My dad has a rough life. And his health is bad and he has an ungrateful wife. But he is so grateful to be sober and proud to be sober. That those struggles now in no way compare to how they were when he was drinking. He def doesnt have to worry about going to prison anymore, or getting DUIs and coming home drunk and beating his wife. Then feeling bad about it afterwards.
My dad doesnt speak of his problems much. He always tells me he will have plenty time to rest when he is dead. But at the same time. He does do things he never did when he drank. He is home every night instead of in the bar. He has his own masonry business. He makes sure his wife and my neice have everything they need and want and then some. And he busts his ass, as tired as he is, as sick as he gets. He still trudges along. Because he is proud of his recovery. And I think that more than makes up for any problems he may have. He is more grateful for what he does have than what he doesnt now. So all those problems are just little hurdles now. All those years wasting away in the bar. Now he wastes no time trying to be a good father, husband, son and grandfather. I see all that without him even saying a word. Thats just my vision of my father. And he has his faults. Like when he doesnt speak to me for a year because I go get high. I hate that. And I think he could go about it differently. But maybe thats what he has to do for himself. Or maybe he sees something in me that he feels doing that will solve. I dont know. my dad is all about tough love. He hasnt turned his back on me this time. He came to the house and talked to me for a good hour about forgetting work and bills and all that stuff and told me I need to go work on mylsef and get help at all cost.
My dad has been this route already. He is 20+ yrs sober. Went from prison sentences for DUIs and other related things, to being my mentor, so to speak. My idol. He amazes me. I admire him so much for the simple fact that he has his sobriety. Him and I are the only ones in our family that went this path. I am at the age he was when he got sober. So my hope is that if I have followed ion his foot steps this far. That I will continue and keep the legacy of recovery going with myself as well.

My dads life sucks looking from the outside in. But he is the happiest man alive in his mind. And in reality his life is exactly how it should be. Life is life. You just have to keep rolling with the punches. And remain grateful.

I have to learn to do that more. I cant tell you how lucky I am to be alive, disease free and free. I dont know if I am very lucky or I have a purpose to fulfill here. Maybe its a cruel joke. I dont know. But for some reason I am still here. And not doing that bad for what I have done to myself. There are people out there that have it way worse that have never even seen a drug.
I think its time for me to start remembering that. Because one day my luck will run out. And like said in an earlier post. Death might be the best result compared to alternatives. Like being a vegetable, crippled, locked up for life and all that.
I better cash in while I can.
I cant sleep at all. I am so angry at myself. I just want to rewind and have a do over. Wish it would all just go away like ti never happened. I want my job back. I want my piece of **** van back. I want to be the routine type of person like I have been for awhile now. I was liking and getting use to routine. Now I have to throw it all in and focus on recovery at all cost. Another holiday season messed up by my own doing. I do this every year around this time. I dont know why. I dont go thinking..hey its the holiday season. Might as well go wreck my life. It just happens.

This will be the last. One way or another this is the last time.