Originally Posted by
Aysha 
Bam, I know I have been ghost like around here. And I have thought about that for awhile now. Its like I didnt want to read anythign here. And I felt I had nothing to add. I found myself sick of the whole recovery maintenance and thats another reason I am sure why I went. I still need to get it through my head that this is a lifetime process. Its not like I am going to be cured..cause I'm not.
I'm definetly not cured...nor do I ever expect to be. Much of the time I'm hanging on the best that I can....and I
try my best to be positive...even though that's not my inclination.
Sometimes I don't have anything to say...so I read.
I don't like the maintenance, either, but...I have to do it for now. Patience is not one of my strong points.
It makes me wonder...the way some people talk about recovery around here is that they had an epiphany and all is well. That's not been my experience...and despite that I DO NOT think that I'm doing it wrong. Life sucks. It sucks whether using or not...but using just adds to the sh!t pile.
I'm a big believer in this: one does not have to 'feel' recovery in order to 'do' recovery. Sometimes being sober is the absolute last thing I want to do...and when I get like that I lay down and cry.
Originally Posted by
Aysha I know I have mental issues. Not major ones but I know I have some depression and possibly some bi polar things going on..
Hon, that is major. Depression is fairly common as far as mental illness goes, but it has very serious consequences. It makes me incredibly self-destructive. It gets really scary sometimes and it did get a lot worse when I sobered up. I’d been masking my symptoms for years with booze. Some say this is PAWS, but it’s not for me. My depression began at least a year before I started drinking. Looking back, I have to wonder if I’ve had it ever since my high school years…I wouldn’t be surprised. The more time that goes by the worse it gets.
Originally Posted by
Aysha I do swing up and down in a split second. I am either in a real good mood or a real bad mood. No grey area. I think I dont want to accept that. Because then I feel like a freak. Pretty funny how admitting I have depression freaks me out but being a raging crack addict is ok.
I had to smile when I read this, because I was way more willing to call myself an alcoholic and fully admit that to myself rather than consider that I have a mental illness.
Sadly, people with mental illness are stigmatized. I had to explain to a coworker yesterday that the reason I’m so fatigued (slow work performance) is because of depression. Not merely feeling blue, but actually having an imbalance that makes it impossible for me to function normally without assistance. The meds make me tired. The depression itself makes me tired. After I told her this her response was dismissive. People who have never been there absolutely do not understand and nothing anyone can say can make them understand. They don’t know otherwise, so they believe that everyone is in control of their respective mental states. This is absolutely not true. I cannot ‘think’ myself into a better mood. It’s not that simple.
Originally Posted by
Aysha I dont want to believe I am crazy or mental in any way. Not that its bad. It just makes me feel real weak and like I am a basket case. Which I probably am.
I don’t think I am crazy or mental or a basket case or weak. I just have an illness that requires treatment in order to keep me alive and living well. That’s all. I’m still me.
Originally Posted by
Aysha I am going in this time full force. Yes I am going to go into the ER down and out and wanting to check out. I have to in order for them to take me serious. And really. nin is right. It isnt any differetn than what I am doing now. Just a slower process. But this time I am going in and letting go of the controls. I have to. Its going to be so hard to do that. But thats the number one thing I have to do in order to make it.
Ninsuna has sage advice. Please be honest with them...now's not the time to downplay it.
Originally Posted by
Aysha I dont want to die like this. I dont want to look back and regret this time I have left with my gram. I dont want to be in this kind of place when I am 40. I just want to be a normal, functioning human being. I want what all of you have. And I want to be ok with it like all of you are.
I’m not okay with it. I don’t like it and I don’t have to…but I also don’t have to be a prisoner to it. I fight back with therapy and meds…and of course SR.
Some days I think I’ve made a lot of progress…and other days, like during this weekend, I think I haven’t changed at all. I have to remind myself that it’s the depression talking when that happens. I’m riding it out right now. Even when my meds are ‘working’, I still have some shaky moments.
I hope the best for you, Trish. Keep us updated.
