Thanks everyone.. I like this forum because you all keep me keen to what it is I need to be doing for myself, and you keep me moving.
Honestly, I know the right thing to do is to leave. But also the right thing for me is to give myself a chance to swallow all this whole too. I know I have written this before, but "the good husband" image and all the love and respect and all that I thought I had has really just begun crashing down around me recently. like 2 months. The AWFUL behavior has only been going on in the past 2 months.. but the more I think about things the more I realize that his actions in the past were not respectful towards me either. But I allowed it, so I was a willing participant then. Just recently, 2 months or so, I have been an UNWILLING participant in his game. That has made him amp up his game.. which has made for circumstances like those you see in my posts.
Thanks for all the constant reminders to keep the focus on myself. I have done a pretty good job of getting out of the house to avoid interaction on the weekends when he drinks more. I have not nagged about alcohol and for the most part not mentioned it at all, or what he does, or asked him where he goes or any of that. However the fact that I was out with friends over the weekend and got home early in the morning seemed to tip him off as he slept on the couch probably waiting for me to come in. He stays out until 3, 4 am all the time lately (previously would never have stayed up past 11 pm, and espeically not if we were with my friends to go out and have fun.. I always thought he was just boring / getting old), but now he is out partying w/ his friends and closing down the bars. The one night I do the same when a friend from out of town is visiting, I caught an earful of how I was gallivanting about town and how awful of a person I was for this. (I haven't done anything wrong..)
Anyway... I go to work, I take care of the dog, I do the house work that needs to get done, I leave his mess to himself, though sometimes I have to pick around it or clean dishes in order to be able to live comfortably. I am talking to the lawyer this week, it's been hard because of work and getting privacy to make these calls.
I was going to try to hang in there so his next paychecks which should be big would go towards the debts he's wracked up lately, but that might be pipe dreams.
If it was the man I knew 3 months ago, they would. And he still should be making a nice couple of paychecks next month.. But he seems to have changed a LOT for the worse in just a few months. I guess I just have to suck it up and recognize that I'm ruined financially for a long long time. I don't know how to get out of that.. but I guess it's my own doing
