I dont want to die like this
Then it's time to get busy. If your dad was into the Fellowship, and you've already admitted that your OWN way has never been the RIGHT way -
it's time to start taking advice.
Being the person to never take advice
never follow directions
is what got you where you are right this minute.
stop it.
only you have the power to do that, hon.
Grab the phone book
make the call.
You've learned you can't do this alone.
And you know where to go to get help.
Please do it.
Otherwise,
the thread becomes an excersize
in self pity.
Make this time be THE time
that everything finally changes.