Dear woman, my recovery began with being hosptalized for depression/suicidal thoughts. We are in different states with very different laws, so I really cannot advise, but you said,"I just want to fade out. Not suicidal. I just wish I could close my eyes and never wake up." I thought, when you talk to the intake person, just leave out the not suicidal part. You know what you need and sometimes when dealing with bureaucracy you say what they want to hear *ducks from s**tstorm for saying that*. Fact is, if you keep drinking and using with the wish to never wake up you stand a good chance of getting your wish. Is that not suicidal behaviour?