Its not that gerry. I can say that 100%
Maybe in the past. But def not this time.
I do know how things will turn out when I am clean. Because I make plans and stick to them. I make goals and achieve them. I do what I say I am going to do. Using. I neevr know what going to happen next. All I know is I am on a serious chase for the drugs. Any way possible. I do know that it always ends badly. But thats about it.
I was very content with how things were. I loved my job. I like everyone I worked with. It was so good to be normal for once. I didnt get bored with it like I usually do.
I seriously could nopt tell you why I went. Other than I got urges and I didnt put up much of a fight. So pretty much I wanted to. But why Iw anted to? I dont know.
I really have no idea. It was stupid. I knew what was going to happen. I even said out loud to myself before going that it was stupid and that I would just be going on a chase, feeling the paranoia and shame. Possibly losing everything. But I got a bad case of the F its or the "One time wont hurt"
I dont know why I would go knowing that it is just all going to be chaos and misery when my life has been going so great. I was actually happy for once. Proud and felt like an adult and not soem loser teenager like I have always felt like.
I guess understanding is not as important as just doing something about it.
I am going to the ER tomorrow. My gram is dropping me off and I am going in. Its all or nothing this time. I am so over this crap. I seriously have had it. I have said that so many times tho.
But I have never been in disbelief before. Why should I? But I am this time. I really thoguht I was done. 'Everything was going just how I wanted it to. And things just fell into place. I was changing my inner being. I was being proactive in making life changes. Not just idling and white knuckling it.
I simply let the urges get the best of me. I wanted to feel that high. Period.
Its sick.