In a matter of hours
I have completely destroyed my life.
Not even 24 hours more like 15.
I am back to where I always end up.
I knew it was coming. I didnt try and stop it like I should have. Still trying to do it my way.
No job, Somehow there is missing money at work and for once I have no idea what they are talking about. But thats not why I have no job. I cant get to work now. Got my tires slashed too. So no more vehicle. I am just going to junk it. I have been working on getting this dam lapband done for almost 2 years. I am scheduled for surgery Dec 7th. Now thats not going to happen.
Everything was perfect. EVERYTHING! I dont understand it. How can someone that has so much going for them still want to go do that ****??!!
I dont understand!
Its my fault. I didnt work a program. I am always so focused on what I dont like or connect with that I dont even really give it a chance.
I feel so sick right now. My heart is racing. I cant believe this. I can but I cant.
Am I done? I want to be. I hope so.
I just dont get what the he!! keeps pulling me back. I have done the best I have ever done in my life in a matter of like 6 mos at least. Everything was falling into place. And I get right there to where it is all smooth and I am established again with a good relaible rep at my job, at home. Nothing is wrong. WHY??!!
What makes me continue to do this to myself? I know its wrong, I know where it will lead. I know but it doesnt matter when that beast is screaming. Somehow I rationalize that I can maintain for a moment and I end up going off the deep end worse than before.
I dont even know why I am here telling you all this. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just owning up. Being honest and putting it where it matters in my eyes that I screwed up. I dont know crap. I didnt do things the way I should have because I was too hung up on my own personal opinions of how things work. Truth is I dont know how any of this works. Not addiciton, not recovery.
I am checking into mental health in the next couple days. And I am going in with every medical mental issue I can think of so they will send me to inpatient. Last time I kept telling them I wasnt depressed and things like that. So they felt like I was not medically eligible. I just want to fade out. Not suicidal. I just wish I could close my eyes and never wake up.
I am so tired. I dont know how much more I can take. I am my own worst enemy. I need to lose the freakin attitude and ego and just give in. I am not special.
Time is ticking. People are getting older. My father is bleeding in his throat and stuff. My gram has hardening on one side of her heart. I am going to be left regretting all this and it will take me out.
I dont want to be like this anymore. I just dont know why I do this. Why would I want to be in misery when my life is so wonderful? I have the best family, I have been making real friends. Even sparked an interest in a real guy for the first time in years. A nice guy. And he likes me too. But we havent done anything more than just talk crap back and forth. I wouldnt go further because I dont want to taint his life with my BS. I got alot of **** with me. I have a past and a present that is horrifying. How do you tell someone that stuff? How do you not?
I killed the perfect life I made for myself. For the first time I did it by myself for myself. And I let that **** get me. I let it. Let it rob me of everything in a matter of hours.
I need to get help. I need to surrender and accept that I need to do whatever it taes, whether I like it or not, Whether I believe in it or not. Millions of people cant be wrong..Right? Something is right when all those people who work a program get and stay clean.
I dont want to be alone like this.