Hey MDB79 thanks for the reply. I think thats one of my major problems. I think if i could find a girl that i really liked and she really liked me then I may have the hole in my soul, or whatever it is that i feel, filled. But I ain't never had that and I have always used booze/drugs to get my kicks TBH.
I am very shy and scared to try to even attempt to try to find a relationship, also I only meet the people I see at work and meetings as I obviously don't go to pubs/clubs to try to find a girl or whatever as I have been staying away from that first drink for 4+ months. My social life became non-existant whilst drinking pretty much anyway but I am feeling that I can't see how it's gonna improve.
When i start to think about myself and things I just tend to get a f*ck it mentality and that I ain't never gonna find anyone as I ain't like most people so i may as well just get smashed and stop fighting, even though I surrendered. It just feels wrong to be doing what I'm doing ie- living at home and staying in every night/weekend at my age. I don't love myself but I have a love/hate relationship and my moods can go from one extreme to the other pretty quickly. I have also had bad depression in the past but as you know it's hard to differentiate between depression and alcoholism. I ain't going on no pills or nothing again though and tbh I can get over it myself.
I am feeling better now but thats because the day is nearly done and it's nearly bedtime. i am just getting a little sick of living for tommorrow and i am dreading feeling like this next weekend TBH. i try to keep it one day at a time and i guess that is how I am still sober.
I am finding it difficult to distinguish what is my own rational thoughts and what is my addiciton talking, if that even exists, afterall it is still my own mind isn't it. I suppose I do romanticise drinking but isn't that because I truly enjoyed it, even though it was fleeting and very destructive? It is my romantic stories and tales of my past that I love talking to people about and I think that is what's difficult. I sometimes wonder whether I just think way too deep about things and that I created a self-fullfilling prophecy for myself with my alcoholism/drugs.
Deep down I always wanted to drink the next morning really i guess, although i suppose only after i got introduced to it. It is strange what i romanticise, i often think about how I enjoyed just sitting in my bed at 6.30AM and watching the sun come up and cracking a beer and feeling the smile etch onto my face as the booze hit. I guess only a true alcoholic could ever understand. I think I am just pining for booze and it's effect and that I am in mourning still.
Most people just will never understand the power that booze had/has on certain vulnerable individuals. it runs so much deeper than merely the act of chemical being consumed.