I think that you should give straight thinking a chance and quit escaping with drugs and to a lesser extent booze for awhile.
It sounds like you need to take the time to figure out what your passion in life is and what kind of career will make you happy and want to gt up daily to partake in it.
Maybe it has something to do with the outdoors such as a conservation officer or forest fire fighter. I do not know but I do know that as long as you continue you drugging you will not have the motivation to tackle this issue and find the peace and fulfillment that we all deserve.
I hope this helps.
Good luck.