You can think about not drinking and that approach will be just as successful as cutting back on the amount you drink or the beverage. Thinking is for philosophers. You're an alcoholic. Stop with the thinking. Wanna make nice with your friend? Shut up and show her! Get to AA. You need a program that works, and your's can't even get out of the starting gate.
And stop with the pity party. You screwed up and it's no ones fault but yours. If you really like the life you're leading right now (and it doesn't sound as if you're having a very good year) then keep up what you're doing. If you really want to change, get to AA and stay there. It ain't gonna be easy, but it sure works if you stay with it. So it all comes down to a choice, doesn't it? Which choice are you going to make?