curiousfox

Okay... I'm back.

And I've cocked up big time.

After coming here before, I did try hard, and I did do better... I've had nights out where I've only been mildly drunk, or even tipsy.
Even had a night out where I drove, had 2 shandys right at the start of the night, then just drank soft drinks the rest of the night, and another time I just didn't drink at all

So I CAN drink without being ridiculously drunk.

However, unfortunately these nights are still vastly outnumbered by the nights that I AM way beyond the point of control.

Anyway, the reason I'm here now...

On Sunday night I was out, and got to this absurdly drunken point, where again I remember next to nothing about the night, just little patches scattered throughout... and none of them good

I did a few stupid things, but most not too bad to get hung up on.

However, I was massive, massive **** to this girl I was with, who is my best friend, and I can't even explain how much I would never want to upset her.
Basically, and most of this is just from what I've been told since I don't remember it, I was pulling her away or having a go at her anytime she tried to speak to guys I didn't know, or even a few times when they just looked at her!

I was being over-protective, way over-protective, and although it came from a good place, it didn't come out that way. But I took it too far, and thats why. And not only that, but I was non-stop texting her while I wasn't with her, and some of those messages were pretty rude

She was massively pissed off at me, and one of my hazy memories of the night was a vague recollection of her slapping me, which she told me that she had (and fully deserved, no complaints there)

I've tried apologising, and she says it's fine, but it doesn't sound convincing. She's not happy with me. She told me after that she'd had a **** night and wish she'd not even gone. I asked how much of that was my fault and she said I'd definetely made a big contribution.

I again tried apologising today, and to explain myself, and she said it's fine and don't worry... but also said she'd never go on a night out with me ever again. It doesn't help though that I could barely even get out the words I wanted to say... been running it through in my head all day the things I need to say to her, then got on the phone and I was talking gibberish and couldn't finish a sentence!

I feel like ****. I don't know what to do. She doesn't seem normal with me, and to be honest I can't blame her. I think we'll be fine in the long run, maybe I just need to give it time... but I don't like that as she's my best friend and we speak all the time. It's been 2 days and I'm already missing getting random messages from her. If I text her, she does tend to reply after a while, but its short and blunt...

I don't know what to do. I need to fix this.

See, problem is, and the reason I've come here to spill my guts out, is because in the past, yeah I've done lots of stupid things when I'm drunk, but they've only ever effected me.

This time I've hurt someone else. And probably the person in the whole world I'd least want to upset! I feel like ****, and feel so guilty and pathetic and confused, and have a big ball of just bleh in the pit of my stomach.

How do I fix this?

Maybe I'm in the wrong place, because my problem isn't so much the drinking, because I can control it... but I have to work REALLY hard to do that... but it's result of my drinking... So obviously the drinking is a problem
But thats not the problem I'm trying to solve right now! Argh!