however if I'm really honest with myself, I have not fully accepted the fact I should not ever drink again. Does that make sense?
Oh yes that does make perfect sense to me, but the longer I stay in AA and go to meetings, the more I am convinced that I will never have any business drinking again.
You know it is one thing to see some one with 4 or 5 months sober get drunk, another yet to see some one with 2 or 3 years get drunk................ BUT I know a man who went 22 years without a drink, he worked a great program for many years, but the last 2 years he was sober the less he did to work on his program daily.... eventually he started to figure "Hey I have been sober 22 years, I can certainly drink safely now!"
22 years, one drink led to 2 DUIs and a totalled motorcycle in a matter of a few months! Did that open my eyes!!! You bet it did!
Where is he at today? Who knows, has he gotten sober again? I have no idea, he may be in jail, prison, or simply drunk, he might be sober again. I have not seen him in a meeting for over a year now and his old sponsor can not get a hold of him.
I would strongly suggest at least going to a step study meeting to try and get a better grasp on what the steps are about, but the best way to find out about any of the steps is to sit down with some one who has taken the steps and ask them to share with you how they did them.