Hi miami,
Good to see you're still here trying to find the help you need.
I haven't been sober very long, only a few days, but I've tried AA several times and always was able to find something that didn't sit well with me, so I stopped going. As time went on, I drank again, and the downward spiral in my life continued from where I left off. Most people who know me don't think I have a problem with booze, and outwardly my appearance doesn't show my problem, and I still live a comfortable lifestyle, however with me, the problem is a mental obsession, and an emotional immaturity that allows me to think I can still beat alcohol on my own, after trying for over 30 years. I never grew up emotionally and now, at 50, struggle to overcome my emotional sensitivity in order to save my life, and I'm serious, I'm literally trying to save my life. I've suffered major heart complications, heart attacks, surgeries and all were alcohol related, and my first heart attack, at age 38, occurred while drinking and snorting cocaine. I've been blessed with many second chances and that's why I'm here tonight, to try to learn how to make the best of the time I still have remaining.
Why am I telling you all this? Because we had similar experiences with AA and I now go to AA in order to learn how to live without booze in my life. The experiences I've had in the past are over. I'm starting fresh, with a new attitude and a new desire to make the rest of my life the best it can be. That's where the big book of AA comes into play. I am not ashamed of being a drunk, although I feel guilty when I do dumb stuff while drunk, but I even do dumb stuff while sober, and have to set it straight. That's part of what the 12 steps are all about, setting our affairs in order, cleaning up mistakes from our past and learning to live life differently than before. We begin each day anew, the prior experiences of AA should not dampen the opportunity we have today to find some answers we may not have found earlier. It is a process of discovery, not like looking for new lands, but looking for who we really are, what we really want out of life and how can we achieve what is important to us. People can tell you how they work the program of AA, but when you do the steps on your own, at home, with pen and paper, (if suggested), it becomes your program, not any one else's. It's your ticket to freedom from the obsession to drink, but you have to work for the ticket, it's not a company perk, you have to earn it, just as I am trying to do. Frankly, sometimes I don't want to, I want to skip the hard parts, especially looking deep inside at who I am, but that's part of the deal, so I'm trying to do so as honestly as I can, for myself, and being honest with myself is no easy accomplishment, because I've lived in la la land for so long that reality is still new to me. You have to want to do this for you, no one else, and if your life depends on it, then you need to dig down deep and ask for help, over and over and over till you find what you need to get on track with your life. Don't stop, keep trying and keep looking, forget the past experiences and start fresh today. I hope you can find the support you seek, because you are worth it.