Try to relax and sit back for a minute hon. You are flying to the moon. You will have these moments when you aren't sure if the air is turned on in your helmet. Don't worry: it is turned on, maybe it doesn't seem like it is, but you have to have a little faith. You are still breathing, right?
You are starting on a journey and you have no idea how it is going to be. It is nice to be able to know how everything turns out ahead of time, but, no, it won't happen with this journey. This is a journey of the unknown, because most of what you have been doing has been habit. Now you are going to break out of that, and you have no idea where it is going to take you or what is going to happen. You ALWAYS knew what was going to happen when you drank, right? Well, you are just not going to know what is going to happen when you are sober.
You have to just get used to not knowing how things will turn out, and get used to YOU not being the factor that controls everything. I know, that is scary as hell. I did not like that in the beginning.
But, I'm glad I took the journey: it meant that last week my sponsor game me a metaphor I will never forget:
"When most people are standing next to the BBQ grill and a spark flies onto their clothing, they brush it off. When a spark of burning charcoal hits the alcoholic's clothing, they fan it until it becomes a flame".
Well, I thought: that's me!
Hah!
If I had not started this journey, I would never have discovered that I am a codie to three alcoholic brothers, and the tools I have acquired in the process of learning have been a huge source of relief.
If I hadn't started this journey 15 months ago, I would not have known the feeling of ease. I didn't know what that meant. Ease? Man, that was not in my vocabulary. Now, it is so cool having that comfortable feeling around people, because before, it was always plasty-Kathy putting on a performance with the fake smile and the fake laughter while I was dying inside, the usual "trying to act sober when I was drunk" two step dance. I am so relieved all that acting is over.
Heck, there is a whole bunch of other stuff I could mention, but, then I would bore you....heee....