Hi Neo,
I welcome you to read some of my past posts, because drinking litereally made me insane, I didn't think right and still have trouble sometimes putting my thoughts into words that don't sound like total gibberish, lol.
It sounds like you miss the mellowness that we first obtained when we started drinking. It's a tantalizing escape into a world where we feel at ease with ourselves, and we go back to the bottle repeatedly to try to capture the ease we felt the first time. That's where it gets ugly, because the ease turns into disease, and we're stuck. We're not happy when we don't drink and we're not happy when we do. It's easy, all too easy, to think, "Hey, it used to work, think I'll give it one more go to see if I can recapture the feelings (or lack of) that I used to experience with the first drink". We minimize the pain, chaos, losses and despair that result from overindulgence and in time we drink again.
I can't count all the many times I've felt just like you. And I can't tell you how much I wish I could stop the inner discontentment that I feel most days, even or especially when not drinking. But my drinking has brought me to my knees literally and that's why I'm here, trying to learn how to get four months, four years, four decades without a drink, one day at a time, because the last three decades of boozing has literally made my life a mess. My feelings swing like Tarzan in the jungle, from vine to vine, and sometimes I hit a tree and it's a bi!ch, but I know it will get better if I keep doing whatever it takes not to drink today.
I hope you can find different ways to recapture the sense of ease and comfort you miss. They are available, sometimes it starts just by helping someone else, and it feels good. It's a sense of peace that I've never found in any bottle of booze. It's fleeting, so I have to keep doing it to get that feeling back, but that's ok. Hang in there.