Jo - I completely understand where you are coming from. "It can't be me! Or can it?" ... was always going through my head.
What you are describing is very very typical shame that we all feel when we finally are honest with ourselves.
What I tell myself and people I am working with is that you should not be ashamed of your alcoholism. I'm not saying that you have to tell everyone about it (e.g. it is your choice who and when you tell them), but if you do tell someone, you need not feel ashamed. Here are some good points I think about whenever I start to feel ashamed:
1. I am not alone. (By the way, I have seen this really sink in with you over the past few days.) There is strength in numbers. I am just like you as are many others here.
2. Alcohol is likely genetic and passed down from my relatives. And, I'm bald too. So, who can I blame for that! Once my genes kicked in, I didn't have chance. I can't control it; I can't change it -- so why worry about it. Why be ashamed?
3. Alcohol is like a peanut allergy. If I was allergic to peanuts, I just wouldn't eat peanuts! Sort of simple, right! If you know something will kill you (e.g. cause your airpipe to be constricted), you would not have any fear of telling someone that you don't want to eat a peanut. In fact, you would be motivated to be proactive about avoiding peanuts or situations where peanuts could be ingested. I'm sure there are a few people with peanut allergies who are sad that they can't have a PB&J sandwich, but they probably got over it. (And so will you.)
4. Think about the gift I have! There are some people who have cancer or another serious illness for which there is no known cure. All I have to do is to (1) stop drinking and 2) work on new life coping skills to make me a better person overall. Hard, yes, but it is doable. We have been given a gift to learn this at an early age.
5. Would I rather be ashamed of being a great/trusted/happy/dependable father/husband/friend/citizen who happens to be a recovering alcoholic ... or ... be the angry/violent/distrustful/drunk dad who has lost his kids to child protective services?
I recognize that there is a stigma about alcoholism. We would be foolish if we didn't acknoweldge that it was out there. But, interestingly, I am finding that many of the people who have negative reaction -- they could probably use our program.
So, in summary, I think of my alcoholism recovery as (1) me avoiding the negative effects of an allergy and (2) me actively working to be a better human being and be happy while I do it.
There is nothing shameful about that. God bless. ME