Coming out...
Normally not a term I thought would apply to me but in this situation it does. I think in some respects I understand how a gay person feels when it is time. I am sure there are major differences and won't pretend to know how the other feels but I know I feel anxiety and fear. I feel I will be treated differently, looked at differently, spoken to differently, whispered about, pointed to, pitied, misunderstood and isoslated. I feel all things things will be how I am reacted to the rest of my life. I already am deeply concerned about the rest of my life without alcohol so this definitely doesn't help.
On the other side of the coin and there are always two sides. I am ready to admit I am an alcoholic. Me and hundreds of thousands of other people. I am not abnormal, I have a house, three kids, loving husband of 8 years, I am class Mom, member of PTO, take my kids to sports on weekends, I have a masters degree and was a teacher for ten years. I am the mom you see in the grocery store, on the sidelines, dragging kids around the mall and out in big groups of women for a girls night out where everyone has a well deserved drink. BUT I am different I can't have one well deserved drink. I have many. I cannot no matter how hard I try need more. I need it everyday. I want it everyday. It is usually the first thing in my head in the morning. I think about that first drink all day. It took me two weeks to realize I had a problem bigger then me. Two weeks of trying to not drink. I couldn't do it. Through research I found out I had most of the symptoms of alcoholism, I failed all the tests on-line, even worse I craved it every night and would always break down and drink perhaps more then before, but I never had a rock bottom. I got the big book and it hit home. This is me. I am one of them. Complete shock. I had no idea (looking back now, maybe I did). I am still getting used to the idea so I know friends and family will be just as shocked if not more.
I went to a meeting I need to go and want to go to more. How can I hide this. I have three kids someone needs to watch them. I hate to lie (not to myself, but to others). The one person I would need to tell right now is my mother, my babysitter, the grandma. She would be so supportive, maybe even happy I know she has questioned my drinking in the past. At that point I would be an alcoholic it would be out there. I would eventually have to tell other family members...part of me wants to. I didn't hide the fact I had diabetes...isn't this also a disease? To me it has become that simple but to others I am afraid they will not understand.
I am off to a meeting but my Mom thinks I am going to the gym. I am even wearing gym clothes. I feel the guilt of a teenage girl. I need to know what you did...how you started to come out...how it has helped or hindered your recovery. Thanks!
Off to my second meeting on Day 11!
Jo