Please give yourself the one last chance to recover. Give yourself a chance to get out of that hole you've dug. First thing to do is stop digging. AA has crisis hotlines when you feel that desperate. Give them a call and tell them what's wrong. What can you lose? They'll listen to you and may have some offers of help. What can you lose?
Stick around, give yourself another chance. You're not hopeless, you're addicted. Addictions can be overcome. Give yourself a chance. Let us love you until you can love yourself.
Welcome to SR!:ghug3