hello peoby and welcome to sr.if you are like me and alcoholic then you are not weak,just powerless,there is a difference my friend.and i can relate to the insanity.is it not insane to end up in the places you do,doing the things you do already? i dont say this to make you feel bad,i was the same, throw in a bit of danger and i was there! when i came to the realisation that i was powerless over booze and i was never ever going to beat it and be able to drink "normally" then i was on my way to recovering.i had a chaotic life for 20 years.my boozing took me to drugs too.also promiscuity,police,unwanted pregnancy,violence,you name it.this is a progressive illness and it always gets worse.i too thought about suicide alot and attempted it several times.i was on first name terms with the paramedics.at the begining of this year i had had enough,i was done.i went to AA and got on the 12 step recovery programme.in 9 months my life has changed so much.my outlook on life is one of shear marvel these days and i see things with a new set of eyes.i was a hopeless helpless drunk.i was in the gutter.i reached out to the folk in the rooms of AA and i got help,from people who really understood me like nobody ever had before.are you done? are you willing to go to any lengths to get sober? if you can answer yes to these questions then i suggest you pick up the phone,call the AA helpline and get to a meeting my friend.you have made a huge step by coming here to sr and i have found this site invaluable in my recovery.please make that call,and keep asking for help.it is there if you want it.