I am so sorry for your loss and that you feel so bad. My sincere condolences-I don't know what else to say.
Don't beat yourself up, you're not a failure. You didn't lose yet.
You can get through this and be strong. Try to put down the drink as soon as you can, the battle is not lost yet. Is there anybody you can call or talk to in real? Get as much support around you as you can.
Sending lots of positive thoughts and hope in your direction. Hug,
S.