I'm bi-polar too. I nodded as I read your opening post. About anticipating, nearly hoping for that excuse to tumble back into old behavior.
I hate the word relapse, I just hate it, but hey, if we can relapse into using, we can relapse into sobriety too , right?
going back to using is never the same because we have experienced ourselves as sober. We can't be who we were before, of course sometimes that encourages us toward deeper levels of depravity, trying to top our previous efforts, but really, deep down, we can't lie to ourselves that convincingly.
I have found it useful, to cultivate sobriety, to work on those life skills, even if I am still using...so that when I get clean...I have some more tools to work with. I'm clean now.l can't promise forever, but I don't use the term relapse anymore, because it's not an all or nothing deal. I mean, yes, I need to stop using forever, but using again doesn't mean I haven't made real progress, or that I am back at square one or that I get a five yard penalty.
Everything that happens is still another step forward, there IS no going back, not really. That is a lie that keeps us down. We aren't back where we were, back who we were, we are a new us, trying on some old behavior,and clearly, not so happy about it., because here you are!
I just hate the word relapse....
You are still making progress. WE are still making progress. so, let's knit together some more clean days...and see that we didn't necessarily pull apart all the good we did when we were clean, we don't lose everything and have to start from scratch.
good to meet you