WOW! You have asked some hard questions and made such valid points. I cannot have one glass of wine. Before I get my first I am already thinking about my second. I drink at night until I go to sleep. I have seen women have a glass of wine that seems to last an eternity...I have questioned that in my mind. Why aren't they drinking that? I recently went to a wine tasting...it was awful. The number of times I had to go back up. The way I had to alternate booths so not to be obvious. the way I had to fake being intrigued when all I really wanted was a full glass and then another..not a sip. Couldn't figure out who would want to use the dump bucket they had on the table.
As these sober days pass I find myself remembering times in my past which maybe weren't normal. Like when I was 22 and backpacked to the top of a mountain to camp overnight. Great hike, beautiful weather, really perfect. At the top I broke my one and only bottle of wine(a magnum, just the right size). I remember vividly my feeling of anxiety and despair. Rage then depression. the night was ruined...for me anyway. Did I have this problem then...15 years ago? There are other times which randomly pop into my head which stick out as slightly out of the ordinary. It has been going on for years. I don't even remembered the last two hours of my own wedding...that haunts me every once in awhile. I have always been different...maybe wanted it more. Always setting goals..then breaking them. Always comparing myself when I drink to other people especially women with children, always wondering if people notice the amount I consume, always regretting it the next day. I like to drink alone because it eliminates a lot of my guilt. I don't have to appear to be just enjoying one glass. I can take big sips from my oversized wine glass. That reminds me...when I do order a glass of wine at a restaurant I ALWAYS think it is tiny. I can finish it in 3 sips...gulps...I like Olive Garden...they used to put the whole bottle on the table(do they still do that?) the honesty policy or something.
I know I have a problem..I just don't think I am ready to change or admit it or face it. I feel like things will be sooo different...life will be so different. Wine really made most things bearable/enjoyable for me. I looked forward to the events but the wine that would be there was more enticing...even my own sons b-day parties. Great excuses to drink a lot. Oh god....this has to stop.
There is a meeting tonight. 1/2 hour away. Far enough, yet close enough. Womens only. I will go, I will go, I will go...I won't drink today. Crying again but hopeful. Thank you!
Jo