yes, someone is reading! I am not a traditional 12 stepper. I am working a recovery program and of course, many of the same truths and 'steps' are involved. I do make use of AA related literature, etc.
I recognize that I've been up to my eyeballs in the 4th step the past several months and thought I'd come here for some insight, hints, perspectives on the same.
One of the "walls" I keep hitting with traditional AA literature etc, and with your prayer at the start of this thread has to do with my understanding of Higher Power (God).
I have one, but my relationship with it is rather different than that which most AA's seem to understand. I have no idea if this an irreconcilable difference or not.
I am a pantheist. I understand the Universe, of which I am a fully integrated part, to be my higher power. I am a function of the dynamic process which is the Universe.
My current situations and addictions are also functions of the Universe. I've gotten where I've gotten as the result of my choices and situations. I'd like to find more productive coping mechanisms, but I don't beat myself up for the choices I made that got me here, because, they kept me alive this far and well,they got me here, which is where I need to be, and truly I've been where I needed to be all along.
No apologies necessary.
I don't think it's just me that's made my life a mess, nor that my life neccessarily IS a mess. It just IS. And how can it be that (as the prayer that opens this thread states) that one is fully responsible and capable of messing up their life, but is suddenly powerless when it comes to unmessing?
That doesn't make sense to me.
I get the not being in control part, there are always parts of the puzzle over which I have no control, but there are never times when I have no choice at all. If my choices helped get me here, they can help get me out...right?
I am not arguing, I am just asking for clarification because I do want to understand and know that I cannot really work this step if I dont understand what is really being said and asked here.
If I come across as combative, I apologize, what I am is truly confused and seeking clarification