Welcome back to SR thiskidknows.
Glad to hear you are already talking to professionals.
You say you do not like large groups, why not call the AA hotline in your area and ask about small groups, they are out there!
Keep drinking and drugging and one of 2 things will happen, you will either die or the drugs and the drink will force you to get over your fear of groups.
Do you fear having to speak? I know one guy that went to an AA meeting ecery day for a year and NEVER said a word. no one tried to make him say anything either.
Do you fear having people look at you? Sit in the back row and just listen.
Perhaps you could go to what is called a "Speakers" meeting, all you and everyone else does is sit down & list to one person tell their story, that is it!
Do you think you are alone in your fears? You are not!!! One of the main reasons so many people die from drugs and alcoholism is FEAR!!!! Both of them cause paranoia!
Scared of being clean and sober? I was and every single person I know in AA had the very same fear!!!!
I spent many years thinking "I am different.", "No one knows what problems I have!", "No one likes me.", "Every one looks down on me.", "I am not worthy of being clean and sober."Everyone is out to get me!"
I was wrong on every count!!!!! How did I find out? People in AA!!! You see most of them had those exact same feelings and like me those feelings/fears, damn near killed them.
Do you have any sober & clean friends that know about your drinking and drugging problem? If they are a friend I can assure you that if you asked them to come to an AA meeting with you they would.
Would you like to talk to some one one on one? Call the AA hotline, that can easily be arranged, they can even take you to a meeting.