Originally Posted by
dutifuldaughter 
Thanks Mike. I really appreciate your thoughts, and will definitely give al-anon a try..
It's all very overwhelming right now - being with a recovering alcoholic mother, who I am just waiting for to relapse. Hopefully that won't happen, but I can't help but be pessimistic. It's hard to show her love and compassion (and I do love her), but I guess I am trying to guard myself against her - so I feel so bad that my behaviour toward her is 'fake' - surely she must be able to tell that my heart is not in being here with her?
Crap, I feel so awful.
But, I must get onto my own recovery too.
This isn't all about her illness - she has affected her family for a long time.
I'm glad I found this forum, it is helpful to read what others feel, and know that I am not alone.
Cheers,
DD
I sympathise with you very much, I too lived the other side of the world and came back to spend time with my mother. Since I have been back I have been faced with her active drinking for the last 18months and realised that I have unknowingly been dealing with her alcoholism for many years.
My mom has had sober times in the last 18 months but I am constantly waiting for to start drinking again. And that feeling of being fake is so familiar, I kiss her to see if I can smell anything, if she's sad, happy, moody etc etc I wonder if she's been drinking - not because it's any of my business but she has over stepped the mark with my son, been drunk whilst he is in her care, drunk drove with him, had screaming matches with my dad in front of him - then it becomes my business.
I want to feel love and compassion but like you I don't know how to do it.
My little brother was at home for around 8 years of her drinking days, he has completely detached himself now. He knows more than me the things that have happened and he thinks she is a lost cause, so he chooses no contact but with indifference, not love.
I have been to ala-non a few times now and it gives me some perspective but I know I have a big journey ahead of me. I would definately recommend it.
I will be moving back to the other side of the world early next year and your reality is my biggest fear. I have thought about it on many occassions and wondered if she did this would I go back and try to fix it. In my mind I say no, I have to detach and cannot get on the merry go round of denial anymore but I know my heart would want to go and rescue her.
Sorry I couldn't offer any form of help, as I am very new in my recovery myself but I hope that it gives you comfort realising that you are not alone. I feel your pain and I am sorry you have been dragged back to deal with this nightmare, please keep us posted as I feel we have a lot in common.
Amanda x