Kjell, my heart goes out to you. I did the same thing towards the end of my drinking careeer. I crashed & burned at an alarming rate, all in a year's time. In the end, I had 3 DUI's & even did 8 days in jail. I have no idea what I was thinking, what could possibly have been going on in my head to allow me to behave that way. That's why I had to make the decision to never pick it up again. I could no longer predict what would happen once I touched the stuff. It took me awhile to actually stop, but I never drove drunk again - I was terrified.
As part of my punishment I had to take classes to deter me from drinking & driving. Most people in the class were smirking & making jokes all through the sessions. They were only there to get their licenses back - not to quit drinking. One night they showed us a film. It was news footage of a horrific interstate crash that killed a family of 5.I'll spare you the details. After they told about the family that had been destroyed, they went to the jail and interviewed the driver of the car that caused it - a very mild mannered middle-aged woman, who seemed very much like me. She had taken out a family, in a blackout as a result of getting drunk at a wedding reception. She was going to be in jail for 25 yrs. When she came out she would be 60. Her children would be grown, her husband remarried. After the film I looked around the table - some were crying, some looked stunned. No was smirking or cracking jokes this time. It could've been any one of us in that jail with our life shattered, our guilt and remorse unbearable.
Kjell you are reaching the best possible conclusion for yourself and others - you already know you can't go on like this - some never get it. Maybe you just needed that final proof. You have received some great advice & encouragement - and I would like to add mine. Here's hoping you will take the steps that will lead you to a beautiful new life.