Thank you all SO MUCH. I'm feeling fairly strong and confident already. I need to just go with that feeling instead of beating it to death with, "Well, you've tried this before." I went out to run some errands after I posted and had to laugh at myself thinking, "One thing is for sure, I've gotten way better at hopping back up after I push myself down!"
After so many years struggling with alcohol, I've been so far down so many times and getting back up is never easy but with each try it seems that I have more hope. Now, the trick, I guess, is to just figure out how to keep standing.
One's blessings can only go so far. An ex once told me, "You know, I've seen you almost die at least 4 times in the last six months. If you don't stop what you're doing there may not be a next time." Well, that was a few years ago, and I really believe I may only be so close to having no more chances.
Chris, when I read your reply, it really shocked me. I didn't even mean to put those thoughts together in that way. The analytical person that I am, did not even connect those two very obvious dots even though I put them in the same paragraph. Thank you so much for pointing it out. I was raised an only child, and I was definitely taught that leaning on other people is a weakness, so thank you all for your kind words. It's been a long struggle the last few years really, really trying to ask the few people close to me for help. The need for a life preserver has passed. I'm in need of a life freaking boat at this point. Like, call the coast guard, the ship sunk many years ago. Oh that makes laugh. Makes me sad, but makes me laugh.
Once again, thank you all so much. You are truly blessings for me today. I just want my life back. Actually, I just want A life. I started drinking when I was 12, became a habit at 16, so I'm not sure how much I even know about what a non-alcohol-aided life is, but whatever the heck it is, I need it. I want it. ? . I hate that question mark.
I made it three weeks in July. That's the longest I'd gone, aside from the 8 months, since I was 14.
Much love. Much wellness and light to you all.