mastodon

This is my first post here and I am beginning my long journey to recovery or to find some sort of peace within myself


My father was an alcoholic from the time I can remember. Used to drink every night, verbally and physically abuse me. My father was mostly absent from my childhood until the age of 6 or 7 due to being in the Navy and when he retired he re-appeared in my life so to speak. I don't really know why he singled me out or why it effected me so badly. Sometimes I tried to stop his drinking or hide his alcohol or pour it down the drain and that made him even more violent and angry. It also made me extremely frustrated and upset. I can only guess that I felt betrayed by him (he finally comes back and then when he does, he's dedicated his life to Miller Lite). I was often responsible for making sure he didn't hurt himself or burn down the house. I often felt like I hated him.

During my last year of highschool I had nervous breakdown of sorts and had to seek help for depression and anxiety disorder. I don't know why my father's drinking effected me this way especially when I wanted nothing to do with him. I got help and eventually, after a year or so, I start feeling much better. I also left for college and removed myself from the chaos of my home life. I also met my boyfriend of three years.

My boyfriend drinks and he used to abuse alcohol by binge drinking. His favorite story to tell was when got drunk, ate an enormous volume of Ramen, puked it up and then passed out in his own vomit. His friend with whom he was drinking with wandered off into the woods behind his house and went missing. Later that morning he was discovered passed out by some railroad tracks down by the river.

My boyfriend knows about my problems and especially after seeing me upset and after becoming more mature, going to school, and getting a job with the police force he no longer does anything like this sort of irresponsible behavior that I described above.

However he is turning 21 soon and plans to drink on a regular basis. Whenever I he drinks or even if I know he is going out to drink, I feel a rush of extreme anxiety and anger and self-hatred. All of the pain of my past with my father comes to my surface and I feel trapped and overwhelmed by it. I am sure many people here know the sort of pain I am talking about. It is all-consuming and all I can do is lay in silence or cry. It feels like I am full of pain and anguish and no matter what I do, I cannot rid myself or my body of it because there is so much.

In particular my boyfriend plans to get wasted with his brothers on his birthday. I have begged and begged him to reconsider this decision. I know I am using manipulative and controlling behavior in order to get him to do what I want so I can avoid re-living the pain that I experienced during my childhood.

I just want to know where to go from here. I love my boyfriend so much and he is one of my only places to go for support. He knows everything I have gone through and we have survived a lot together. I don't want to loose him, but the pain and anguish I feel when I know he is drinking or when he drinks is going to destroy me.

I know I need to get therapy, will I ever be able to cope with my boyfriend drinking? How long will it take? I am at a very bad place with my depression and I don't know if I have the energy to get through all of my issues