Dallas,
I'll support you for as long as you are willing to try to get sober. I'll support you by telling you the only truth I know.
I was a lot a like you. I spent a couple of years just not getting it. I went to my doctor, tried anti-depressants, sought counseling, outpatient treatment, inpatient rehab. And I couldn't stop drinking for any significant length of time. I went to AA and did not finish the Steps. Couldn't do Step 4 because I had not surrendered. And I drank again.
Then, one day in a panic induced drunken state of hysteria, I knew I could not go on like this any longer. I picked up the phone and called a guy in AA who talked about having a spiritual awakening that solved his problem. He took me through the steps, and I recovered from a hopeless and desperate state.
Originally Posted by
firestorm090 
About the Big Book, yes, I've read it. I even downloaded it to my cpu so I can reference it anytime, but it's learning how to implement the steps into my life or myself into the steps that baffles me.
I'm not buying it, my friend. Incorporating the steps into your life is a cop out. Instead, I needed to stop trying to figure out the steps, and just take the steps. The book contains precise, specific directions on how to do this. Reading the book tells me the directions, but until I was willing to follow the directions, I stayed drunk.
I see so many like you, Dallas. Last night, I saw Ben, and Shane, and Tara, and Jen, and Mark, and a few others that I've been seeing come and go for the past 10 years. They've all read the book, but refuse to follow the directions. They come in for a month or two, get involved, and then they are gone for another 6 months.
Here are the facts as I know them:
Originally Posted by AA BB, 1st Ed. [I
There is a Solution[/I]If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort.
There it is, Dallas. No middle of the road solution. If you're an alcoholic like me, only two choices available. So, are you an alcoholic like me? If so, here is the conclusion reached by the BB authors. It's the same conclusion reached by a couple million other people that have recovered from the same condition with which you suffer. You don't have to believe it. It's a take it or leave it deal. I recovered when I became willing to accept spiritual help. That meant following directions whether or not I agreed with it, believed it, liked it, or thought it was right. There were parts of the process I thought were complete crap. But I was willing to do them anyway.
Originally Posted by
firestorm090 I know the mantra, "Don't drink, go to a meeting"...
This mantra is bullsh*t. It's perpetuated by people in the rooms of AA that don't know a whole lot about AA's program of recovery. A program of action. Goings to meetings and not drinking works very well for some people. And for some of us, we need the real program. We need a spiritual solution, not a support group.
I read about your health problems and your attempts and failures to get sober. Do you think you're powerless? Are you willing to try to do what others have done? Those are the
only questions that need answered.
I sufferered for a long time thinking I knew a lot about the BB and about recovery. But the facts were, that I couldn't stay sober. So, really, how much did I know? I had to put aside what I thought I knew, and become willing to follow directions. And whose directions? The people that say 'go to meetings and don't drink' or the people that found a spiritual solution?
Surrender is the key, Dallas. Give up what you know and find someone that can take you through that book to pick out the directions.