Originally Posted by bookwyrm

Ago, I read your post this morning and it has bothered me all day. Usually you write very insightful stuff but this just seemed mean and low. I'm not as articulate as you so please bear with me.

I can only speak from my experience. When STBXAH lived with me he passed the blame/responsibility onto me for almost everything wrong in our lives. And, somehow, I took it on board and tried to shoulder it. STBXAH was very controlling and I became very isolated. This impacted on my mental health - I suffered from depression for years. My self confidence and self esteem became eroded over the years. I didn't trust myself and STBXAH eroded any self belief I had. I trusted his opinion more than my own. Yes, I know, a consequence of my choice to stay with him - strongly influenced by him and my daily situation.

Then I was referred to a counsellor for depression - this started my personal growth and all hell broke loose at home.

When I found this site I knew nothing about alcoholism and even less about co dependancy. Knowledge is power and it helped set me free. Questions like 'do alcoholics feel remorse?' were asked by me from a place of pain and disbelief. As a codie I have been 'trained' to be over responsible for everything and to believe the best of my STBXAH. His escalating alcoholism and subsequent behaviour were so out of the blue, so painful, that I couldn't understand how a thinking, feeling human being could do that to another that they professed to love. I still don't get the why of it but I have learned to let it go.

Personally, when I was just starting to learn about all this stuff, I still took the blame and responsibility for everything. Instead of blaming myself, I needed to look at things differently. Part of that process was blaming the alcoholic in my life - something I had never considered doing before.

If I had come to this site and been confronted with even more finger pointing and blame, I would have crumbled under the weight of it all. Reading all the other stories here made me realise that, actually, I'm NOT the reason STBXAH drinks, I'm not alone in what I experienced and I don't deserve it! What may seem obvious to you didn't to me.

What I'm trying to say is that, as a codie, I was blamed for so much, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I needed to learn how to be responsible for only the things I am responsible for! Which is why I love the fact that this forum says things like 'that's what alcoholics do' etc. It helped me work out what was my 'stuff' and what I could leave well enough alone. I needed to learn to be kind to myself and put me first.

I'm a codie, not an alcoholic. This forum was my safe place when living with an active alcoholic. I wouldn't want to see that change.