Originally Posted by firestorm090

Here's the real delimma, drinking lost it's attraction to me long ago, now I do it to just shut my mind down so that I feel somewhat normal. Isn't that strange? Why do I get drunk to feel "normal"? It's like I only feel normal when I can not feel. The less I feel, the more normal I feel, it's like putting my mind on autopilot to hell, but at least it stops the thoughts from swirling like a hoard of bats in my head. Maybe I really need therapy, but I tried that and found the results to be less than desirable, plus I have preconceived obstacles to therapy, which I will refrain from listing at this time. All I can say is that when I drink, even though I know it is killing me, making my life miserable, the trade off of not-thinking is a reward, till I sober up, then the mind starts again, then I drink again, round and round it goes. Till today. I really want off this merry-go-round, so I'm here, trying to stay focused till my meetings tonight.