Hi Mark,
Thanks for your reply and support.
About the Big Book, yes, I've read it. I even downloaded it to my cpu so I can reference it anytime, but it's learning how to implement the steps into my life or myself into the steps that baffles me. I know the mantra, "Don't drink, go to a meeting", but I tend to complicate things by trying to recover in a few days, and want to be "well" immediately, but it hasn't worked so far. In fact, I think I've become so confused that I'm even sicker than before. When I say I'm lost, well, that's not just an easy out, it's the truth. Why, when I know all that I know about AA, the BB, and recovery in general, would I delude myself into thinking that I'm different, is it ego, grandiosity, or just stubbornness? Maybe a combo meal of all the above?
Here's the real delimma, drinking lost it's attraction to me long ago, now I do it to just shut my mind down so that I feel somewhat normal. Isn't that strange? Why do I get drunk to feel "normal"? It's like I only feel normal when I can not feel. The less I feel, the more normal I feel, it's like putting my mind on autopilot to hell, but at least it stops the thoughts from swirling like a hoard of bats in my head. Maybe I really need therapy, but I tried that and found the results to be less than desirable, plus I have preconceived obstacles to therapy, which I will refrain from listing at this time. All I can say is that when I drink, even though I know it is killing me, making my life miserable, the trade off of not-thinking is a reward, till I sober up, then the mind starts again, then I drink again, round and round it goes. Till today. I really want off this merry-go-round, so I'm here, trying to stay focused till my meetings tonight. I hope I can muster the courage to go and show my face again. I'm going to make a necklace out of all these white chips they keep giving me, lol.
Thanks Mark, and to all.