At this point, all I know is that drinking sucks and not drinking leaves me lost.
There used to be a saying around the rooms of AA:
"A head full of AA and a belly full of booze do not mix."
Now for you I think it could be more along the lines of:
"A head half full of recovery information and a belly full of booze do no mix."
What TB posted may also be part of it:
Just can't see myself being as happy as everybody with lots of time on this site, I suppose. Like it's for other people, just like happiness is for other people nowadays in my life.
I certainly couldn't. But I kept going to meetings because 1) I felt SAFE in them, probably the only place I did feel safe, 2) these folks were REAL. When they smiled it went all the way to their eyes. When they laughed it came from their gut, and when they cried it came from the heart, and 3) they gave me HOPE that maybe someday it could get better.
However, as anyone on these forums, with any length of recovery will tell you, it takes WORK, lots and lots of HARD WORK on ones self to get there.
I didn't put the plug in the jug and within a few weeks become Happy, Joyous, and Free. There were day, weeks, months at a time where I felt like I was plodding through muck, mire, and quicksand, and yes even sometimes when it felt like the alligators were biting my azz. But ................................ I kept moving forward and REFUSED to put alcohol and/or drugs in my body again. Why? Because even in the worst of times during those early years, there was no way I was going back to the HELL I had lived for all those years, this way was better, much better, even on my worst days.
Dallas, you have to make a decision and only you can do it, of which you want more. IF that decision is you want to be sober, then I would suggest for you, first a Detox and direct from Detox to a rehab program where you can get some direction, regimentation, real information about what is happening to your mind and body, and one on one counseling.
The choice is yours my friend. Do a "Pro and Con" List. No do two of them. One on the Pros and Cons of continuing to drink and one on the Pros and Cons of getting sober and staying sober.
By doing that, it might give you more incite into making YOUR decision.
J M H O
Love and hugs,