I didn't choose to be an alcoholic. Back when I started drinking it wasn't apparent that alcoholism can and does run in families. It sure does in mine. I had no idea I could become an alcoholic.
But it can and did creep very quickly up on me. It soon was an obsession of my mind and my body did crave alcohol.
Did I feel guilt back then? Sure, felt a lot of things, didn't want to feel and the alcohol NUMBED me so I didn't have to feel. The more I drank the more I wanted.
Some of you know where it took me, I don't feel up to posting the 'whole' story today, I have enough of a reminder from last night's events around the neighborhood, sheesh
Whether you believe it is a disease or not, it is an illness, I don't know of one alcoholic or addict that set out to live their lives practicing this affliction, it certainly was not part of their goals for their lives.
It was when starting recovery that the guilt and remorse came flooding back and it was horrible. However, even though I had taken this affliction to the max, I was grateful I had found a program that would help me deal with all of these 'feelings' and eventually make amends the best I could.
So, does an alcoholic feel guilt? I would say in general that they do, and the guilt is probably part of the reason they continue to 'numb' themselves although until ready to stop they won't admit it.
Please remember also, that some never do stop. There can be many things that cause that also, fear of detox, so inured in their way of living they cannot see another way, so sick in the mind and body that to them there is no other way, etc
(((((WhyamIstaying)))))
I don't believe it is a "choice" for your husband. I believe he has reached the point that he honestly believes he MUST have his alcohol. I remember that 'hell' well and never want to go back there. When his BAC gets below a certain level (different for each of us alkies) his body starts to do strange things, his mind gets worse, and this scares the bejessus out of him so he gets more alcohol to get back to the 'comfortable' level. My 'comfort level must have been at about .40 BAC because at .38 BAC is when I started to seizure badly. Now a non-drinker or a very casual social drinker would be in a coma at .38.
Now I am not trying to justify his or anyone else's alcoholic drinking. I do know that for someone who has not been in that hell it is very hard to understand or conceive what it is like.
I also know that as a co-dependent I had to decide what was best for me and my self worth and my health ........................... to keep a 'toxic' person in my life or not.
So, Why Am I, it is still you who has to make the decision about staying in a relationship that is making you and your children sick or moving on to a healthier life style. Trying to 'figure him out' or 'figure the alcoholic out' doesn't change it.
Even when I am at my angriest, most resentful, or saddest about something I would not wish this affliction on my worst enemy!
Sweetie, instead of continuing to drive yourself crazy with these questions, maybe it is time to do an 'honest' PRO and CON List of your relationship right now. The Pros and Cons of Staying. Then do one on the Pros and Cons of leaving. I believe this will bring you much more insight than all these questions going on in your head.
J M H O
Love and hugs,