I read a thread posted earlier this year about the following concept:
"I am not entitled to the family member I "should" have, I am only entitled to the one that I've got."
I joined this online forum a few weeks ago and have found some things to be very encouraging and insightful. However, there are definitely a few things that I find to be perplexing, i.e. the quote I included above.
I have learned that some people still choose to stay in contact with their alcoholic family member and codependent members, while others have chosen not to. I have been told many times growing up and recently that "You just need to ACCEPT your mom for the way she is otherwise you're always going to be disappointed. Either have absolutely no contact with her at all and stick to it or accept her for what she is."
The truth is, I have a myriad of mixed feelings when it comes to my family of origin. There is a long history of pain for over 25 years now..ever since I was a child I was abused, taken advantage of, forced to take responsiblity for everything--even doing my parents laundry, making my step-father meals, coming to his first call immediately like I was a dog or I'd get my butt whooped. I waited on them hand and foot, cleaned up their messes, mailed their bills at the post office, would get groceries for them and if I got something wrong or forgot something on the list I would get hit on the head several times, pushed, shoved, slapped, spanked, punished...and anything u can imagine. My step-dad forced me to sleep in bed w/ him from a young age, would wake me up in the middle of the night all the time to cook for him while he was drunk when I had school the next morning....I was used to my drug/alcoholic parents sick benefit. I had to get my step-dad's uniforms and lunches ready for him before he'd go to work every day and if I didn't I'd get hit and punished. He would make me retrieve beverages from the refridgerator and get him ice water whenever he was thirsty. He'd never do for himself. When he'd take me to appointments (which was rare), he'd be so angry that he had to do it that sometimes he'd hit me on the head right before dropping me off at school. From the age of 2 and on, I had no feelings, emotions, or thoughts. WHY ON EARTH should I feel ENTITLED to continue FURTHER communication with people like this? It disgusts me to even consider it? Why should one feel compelled to continue communicating with someone who molested them growing up simply because they are "FAMILY"? That is dysfunctional. Why is it that they should be excused because they are "an alcoholic" and they can't help it? Nonsense. Just because they drink, does not mean I will not hold them to the same standards I woudl anyone else. Why should I lower my standards of respect for myself simply for their sake and b/c they are too intoxicated to know better? Would that not be continuing the dysfunction? Seriously?
Sorry...I just had to get out my frustration b/c that is sometimes the message that I'm getting. Not sure it is correct, but it sickens me to think I owe my parents ANYTHING when they have done NOTHING but hurt me and cause me grief since DAY ONE!
Dont' I have that right to protect myself?
