Tansy

I posted earlier but I think it got eaten. Dh left for the second and last time. He is a heavy drinker - never missed a night since he was 15 and now he is in his 40s and it is taking its toll. His lone drinking sessions got longer and longer( 5 am finishes were the norm) and the booze stronger until he hit a wall and seemed uanble to can it like before. Not that it stopped him trying. He just got drunker. He wouldn't have a blood test so the state of his liver is still a mystery. He changed. The kids are scared of him and avoid him when he is sober. He has changed from a happy drunk to argumentative and nasty, given to banging on the kids bedroom doors a night when s**t faced to lecture them on any perceived wrongs he thinks they have done, while swaying around in their rooms. I spend all night long stopping him doing this, setting fire to the sofa with his fags and breaking stuff until he passed out. It was tiring. He doesn't work and spends his days smoking, drinking tea and doing the odd bit of d.i.y. until he starts drinking each day again. We rowed. We have had no relationship for years cos of his drinking and the consquences of it. He moved into his own bed. The mess he makes, the debt..the sheer loneliness. I cannot respect a man I find laid in his own mess every night. He left after an all day row and went to live with rellies. They are like him and putting pressure on me to give him yet another chance. Last time he came back he just carried on drinking like he had never been away. Nothing I says gets through. He seems unable to understand or care what he is like and how much he impacts on us. He phoned. Even now he seems to think he can stay over now and then but he had no interest in me while he was here. He has no chance. I don't love him anymore. His drinking and awful behavour while drunk towards me and my kids ( even when sober he is a misery, refuses to get help and gives off an negativity you can cut with a knife. He only smiles when drunk and that is rarely) killed it. He doesn't l know I don't love him anymore. He think he is O.K. I don't want him back here. He is in denial cos he doesn't drink all day. It was like living in a frat house for 13 years. We like it peaceful now. I have enough on. I have 7 kids and 4 are autistic. He was like an 8th child. I am disabled myself. He has stated he won't get help since he left so to me there is nothing for it but a life with my kids on my own. I just hope his family will see that and lay off with pressure. He is not coming back here and I keep repeating that like a mantra. He chose the booze not us and that hurts. Worse is I feel like I am in the wrong not him. Everything is still all about him. His new flat, his gear, his life. He has no responsbilities and has left me with debt a house that needs a lot of work and am the baddy for not putting up with him.