How well I understand how you feel right now!
Knowing I could not stop drinking by will power alone, and just the thought of (never)
being able to drink again..not even one...terrified me.
And the thought of never having (fun) again terrified me....more than thinking of
the wreck my life had become.
In recovery, we learned a new way of thinking...taking it one day at a time..not forever.
You can do something for 24 hours a lot easier than thinking about (not) doing
something for years...forever.
24 hours is "doable."
In AA we found sober relationships..friends, common interests...we have a blast!
May you find a "doable" way to recover..