Tanya, welcome.
I don't care for labels either, or for programs to be stuffed down my throat.
You've found a great place here.. lots of people have quit drinking, and have stayed quit, using all kinds of different approaches, of course including AA but a lot of the other things you've tried too like counseling (that's what I did), rehab, outpatient rehab, other types of meetings, etc. Stick around, if anything else you'll feel at home in a 'community' of folks that know how you feel and have been very close to where you've been.
I thought I could think clearer when I was drinking.. but later realized it was those first few drinks that were easing my withdrawal, and making me feel better.
I also lived 2 seperate lives, full of dishonesty, hiding, pretending, fake and fragile smiles, and lots of nights passed out instead of getting the rest my body so craved.
I can't imaging living that way again, it was pure hell. I had to get to a point to where I would do ANYTHING to get/stay sober, and I tried it all. I did every single thing I could think of, besides continue to drink. Therapy, books, and yes.. even meetings. I don't use meetings in my recovery, I found other things that matched my world view a bit better.
I guess my long winded point is, I'm glad you're here.. you really don't have to live the way you are. You can live with energy, honesty, and without dependence on a chemical that fools you into thinking you need it to function better than you really know how (sneaky little devil!), if you're willing to put as much energy as you've been putting into your drinking/hiding/lying/etc... (which I'm sure is a TON!).
Ok
Welcome!